{Happy Birthday Finn}

Finn turned 2 today!  When we got him out of bed this morning he didn't want to eat, and just wanted to lay down.  He wasn't feeling well.  He was feverish too.  He is getting his back molars in and I think this is what's causing his sickness (at least I hope that's what it is).  I told Owen it was his lucky day and that he got to stay home from church and watch Finn.  He was on board for that.  When I left he was sleeping.  I came back to check on him after sacrament meeting.  He woke up and I gave him some medicine and a few bites of bread, and then he went back to sleep.  I went back to church.  When I got home from church he woke up and signed that he wanted to eat.  So I fed him and he ate a lot.  He seemed to be feeling much better.  When Kurt got home from his bishopric duties, we had a small birthday celebration.  I took his picture with the same set up as his one year old birthday picture, we sang, ate his donut cake, and opened presents.  He was fine for it all and about 20 minutes after we were done he was laying on the floor again.  Not feeling well.  I put him back to bed.  Hopefully he will be feeling better tomorrow.  I always worry when he gets sick, because when he gets sick, he really gets sick.

You would never know he was sick from looking at this picture.

First and 2nd birthday comparison.  He could barely sit up on his own in his one year picture.

 

Waiting for Dad to light the candles.

 

 

Got a little help to blow out the candles 

Happy Birthday Sweet Boy!

Finn: 

-is crawling and pulling up, but not walking independently

-dares to venture off the blanket and onto the grass and cement

-can climb up stairs, but not go down them

-can say:  shh, bite, up, bye, da da, ball, book, dog, cat, mmm

-signs:  mom, milk, dad, water, more, cookie, cracker, all done, eat, drink
-knows how: fold arms, vroom car, give kiss, brush hair, wave, jump, ssss for snake

-loves to wave and laugh

-gives great hugs and pats your back when doing so

-is learning that when you cry you get a reaction

-happy go lucky



20 Months.

Finn got a haircut today.  He screamed and cried the whole time.  I had to have Eli hold his hands while I buzzed with the clippers as quickly as I could.

He was also super smiley and laughy today.

He loves to point at things.  We are teaching him where his nose, eyes, mouth, ears and hair is.  He is getting good at pointing at them when we ask him where they are.

He has 4 teeth coming in, and just got his 2 back molars all the way in.  Hopefully he will start chewing his food more before swallowing it whole.  I am trying to get him off of formula and have been feeding him more table food (which he loves), and a couple of sippies/bottles a day.  We got him drinking out of a straw.  Yes!  Which is recommended by therapists to help with speech.  We still have to watch him closely when eating so that he doesn't choke, as sometimes he doesn't chew his food.  We have a therapist coming in a couple of weeks to watch him eat and swallow.

He is doing really well with crawling on all fours and pulling himself up to a standing position while holding onto something.  We are starting to work on getting him to walk with a push toy walker.  I was anxious for him to get walking, but I have shifted gears and I really think it important to get him talking and communicating.  I know the walking will come.  Speech.....He's going to have to work doubly hard for that one.  He can say hi, dada, hi kitty (not totally clear), and he can sign "more".

Overall, he is doing wonderfully.  He has been healthy this winter and has hardly been sick, granted, I've been super anal and cautious about taking him out and quarantine him to his room when needed.  He does need to have a sleep study done to check his sleep apnea, an EKG & and echo to check his heart, and we are currently working on his hearing.  He is still wearing his bone conductor.  I have been putting the first two procedures off as we have to pay out of pocket for them and they are not cheap.  But hopefully we will get them done this year.

He still proves to be very patient.  He has learned how to tolerate noise, and he seems to not be sensitive to it like he used to be.  We took him to the Jazz game and he did great, as does equally as well when we take him to the boys' basketball games.  He loves to wave to people and say hi.  He is a joy and delight.  He is easy, loves to crawl and play, and has a super cute laugh.   ♥

 

{3/21=World Down Syndrome Awareness Day}

What is 3/21?  3/21 happens on March 21st each year.  It is a day that symbolizes 3 copies of the 21 chromosome. 

Down syndrome occurs because of an abnormality characterized by an extra copy of genetic material on all or part of the 21st chromosome. Every cell in the body contains genes that are grouped along chromosomes in the cell's nucleus or center. There are normally 46 chromosomes in each cell, 23 inherited from your mother and 23 from your father. When some or all of a person's cells have an extra full or partial copy of chromosome 21, the result is Down syndrome.

The most common form of Down syndrome is known as Trisomy 21, a condition where individuals have 47 chromosomes in each cell instead of 46. This is caused by an error in cell division called nondisjunction, which leaves a sperm or egg cell with an extra copy of chromosome 21 before or at conception. Trisomy 21 accounts for 95% of Down syndrome cases, with 88% originating from nondisjunction of the mother's egg cell.

The remaining 5% of Down syndrome cases are due to conditions called mosaicism and translocation. Mosaic Down syndrome results when some cells in the body are normal while others have Trisomy 21. Robertsonian translocation occurs when part of chromosome 21 breaks off during cell division and attaches to another chromosome (usually chromosome 14). The presence of this extra part of chromosome 21 causes some Down syndrome characteristics. Although a person with a translocation may appear physically normal, he or she has a greater risk of producing a child with an extra 21st chromosome.



I took this picture of Finn on 3/21.  He is sick with a cold, but I still wanted a picture of him on his day.

Although we have only been on our journey for 9 months, this day will forever be a part of our lives.  Even though I am "aware" I am still educating myself and learning more every day.  What I do know is that this extra chromosome has made our little Finn extra cute, extra cuddly, extra needy, and extra special.  He is a pure delight to have around.

In honor of Finn and World Down Syndrome Awareness Day, I bought this necklace from my Facebook Friend whose daughter also has Down Syndrome. 

It says, perfectly imperfect.  Although Finn may appear to be imperfect, he is perfect.

{Sugardoodle pj's}

My sweet friend, and visiting teacher, Janessa gave Finn a pair of Sugardoodle Kids pajama's for Christmas.  They were too big for him then, but they fit perfect  now.  They are so cute!  Janessa started Sugardoodle Kids in honor of the passing of her son, Cole.  For every pair of pajama's they sell, a meal will be given to a child in need.  "Because no child should ever goto bed hungry."  Such a wonderful organization! 

{Bath Time}

He's finally used to it.  At first he'll grab onto his baby chair for dear life and lay there stiff as a board for about 2 minutes all while thinking about crying.  After a few minutes, he'll start kicking and won't stop.  He can't get enough of the water.

{Lets Get Physical.....}

....Therapy.

Finn gets therapy for 1 hour every 2 weeks from Miss Marcie.

Working on sitting up.  Straightening the back using your hands.  Helps to get the correct posture.  Need to work on strengthening the core. 

Verbal response.  Responding verbally when spoken to.  Finn scores high in this category.

Gross motor skills.  Finn grabs toy, holds toy, and brings toy to mouth.  Right on track.

{Pretty Croupy}

Two days ago at 4 a.m. the baby monitor woke me up, and I could hear Finn coughing and thrashing around.  I got up and went to check on him.  He was coughing pretty good.  I picked him up.  He continued to try to cough, and soon he was also trying to breath.  Soon, he wasn't able to catch his breath.  He couldn't breath.  Snot was forcefully coming out of his nose, and he was making a coughing/choking sound. 

Panic.

I took him outside on the front steps, as I was told that if a kid has croup the cold air helps to open their airway. 
I called for Kurt.  He stumbled out of bed and and I told him that Finn was having a hard time breathing and handed him to him.  I ran and got him a blanket and his oxygen.

He was still having a hard time.

We were going to the hospital.  NOW.  I ran throughout the house trying to get dressed and throw things in his diaper bag (as I know what it's like to be stuck in the hospital without things you need).  I kept asking Kurt what we should do.  I was frantic.  Kurt was calm.

Finn hadn't completely stopped breathing and his lips hadn't turned blue....yet.  Which was what we were looking for, but all the while he was struggling; not able to catch his breath, coughing.   But it was getting to that point and it was coming fast, as all of this happened so fast.  He started to foam at the mouth.

At this time, Eli came out of his room crying saying that we were scaring him.  I ran down, woke up Isaac and told him to take Eli in his room and watch t.v. 

As I was running trying to get my shoes on (with no socks), I thought-we aren't going to make it.  If we get in the car, he's not going to make it to the hospital.  I told Kurt, I'm Calling!  I grabbed the phone and dialed 911.  A lady picked up on the first ring.  I gave her my info and she had me stay on the phone with her until the ambulance came.  It took them about 5-7 minutes to get to our house.

Two cop cars, and and ambulance showed up.  No sirens, no lights.  I was glad as I didn't want the whole neighborhood out there.  By the time they got to our house, Kurt was able to get Finn somewhat calmed down and breathing.  Not normal breathing, he was still struggling to breath, but breathing.  He had his oxygen on him and he was just holding him. 

Once help arrived, they asked questions, we answered them and then I hopped in the ambulance with Finn and went to the hospital.  Kurt was going to get the boys situated and then was going to drive to the hospital and meet me. 

Once at the hospital, they took his pajamas and onsie off and every time he would breath his chest could just sink in.  Because he was trying so hard to get a breath, his chest was retracting-BIG TIME.  It looked unnatural.  They ended up cranking his oxygen up to 1.5 where it's usually at .25 and they gave him steroids.  Two treatments of epinephrine and a dose of decadron.  Usually when they see kids come in they give them a dose of decadron and send them home.  Epinephrine works immediately to help open the airway, and the decadron takes 3-4 hours to kick in to help open the airway.  Finn needed 3 doses and ended up staying in the hospital for two days.  He was discharged yesterday afternoon.  He still labors to breath a little, but not like he was.  He is back on his normal oxygen level, and is still sick, but a normal sick.  And we can do normal sick. 

A scary experience to say the least.  We have never experienced croup in our house.  Ever.  That's 11 years croup free!  We are thankful that Finn is doing better.  This little guy is definitely keeping us on our toes.  I am armed with a dose of decadron should this ever happen again, which I hope it never does.

{Insured Blessings}

Three years ago we were without health insurance.  SCARY.  We couldn't afford it.  Luckily we were blessed and were a pretty healthy family.  We only had a handful incidences that took us to the Instacare.  No hospital visits.

Last Christmas my brother Justin's little boy got bacterial meningitis, and was in and out of the hospital.  Their hospital bills- atrocious.  While talking to my brother on the phone, he said, "I don't care what you do, or how much it costs; but you need to get some sort of insurance."  Had they not had insurance, the road ahead of them would have been a VERY long and rough one. 

Months went by.  I kept having this nagging feeling that we needed to get insurance.  I kept crunching the numbers and just couldn't see how it was going to work.  Insurance for a low deductible $500 even $1000-$1500 for a family of six was anywhere from $800-$1000 bucks a month.  (Remember we're self employed.)  We didn't get it.  It was too much. 

When we decided that we were going to have a baby, I told Kurt that there was no way that we were getting pregnant without insurance.  Months went by and we were still without insurance.  I kept having this feeling that we needed to get it and stop putting it off.

So we finally did.  We got what we call catastrophic insurance.  Basically a higher than flip deductible to get the premium down to where we could afford it.  But if anything catastrophic happened, we'd at least have something.   AND our catastrophic insurance didn't cover any maternity or pre-natal visits.  We were on our own to cover the cost of  baby.

Well, baby came and along with him came an extremely high hospital bill.  Catastrophic?  No.  But catastrophic enough to meet our flippin high deductible, Yes. 

How grateful we are that we got that insurance.  Our road would have definitely been long and rough.

 

****

When asked what hospital I wanted to deliver at, my first choice was shot down as I was told that that hospital wasn't in my insurance network and that if i wanted to deliver there then I would have to pay more out of pocket.  (Of course-stupid insurance with the flippin high deductible.  Why would I think that I could pick where I wanted to deliver.  Silly me.)   I reluctantly went with the other hospital that was in my network. 

Lo and behold they were the only hospital in my area that had a NICU on site.  (I just figured that all hospitals had a NICU-nope.)  And when Finn was born, we needed that NICU.

 

****

 

Since Finn has been born, he has been seen by several different doctors countless numbers of time in the four short months that he's been on this earth.  And he will continue to have countless numbers of doctor visits.  Because we met our deductible all of his visits have been covered thus far, and will continue to be covered until the new year.  How grateful I am that we got that insurance.  There is no way-NO WAY we would have been able to do what we've done this far without that insurance.  It is sad to think that if we didn't have insurance, we very well could have been facing choices as to what problems we could afford to address with Finn and what problems we would have had to let go unattended due to financial difficulties.  

 

I give credit to my brother, who inspired or not,  put the bug in our ear to get insurance as we were just planning on paying out of pocket for Finn's birth (not expecting any complications).  I also give credit to the Man upstairs who knows and knew what we needed.  That flippin high catastrophic insurance-a flippin' life saver!  

{To Tell or Not to Tell}

31 for 21 blog challenge day 24

Well, I did it.

If it's strangers, I could care less. I feel no need to explain anything. If it's someone I know, they already most likely know and are comfortable to ask me questions. If it's someone whom I see regularly, but don't associate with on a regular basis; that's where I just don't know.

I had to take Finn with me to my nutrition class last night.  It was the first time not being able to avoid people that didn't know my situation.  I was in a position where avoiding the facts was inevitable.  The first thing they said when I walked through the door was, "You have a baby!  Let's see your baby." 

"Oh he's cute."  "Look at that hair."  All were very sweet and nice. They talked to him throughout the night.  And Finn was very polite and smiled back at them.  One of them asked about his oxygen band aids, but that was it.  It was easy.  And it was nice. 

But all the while in my head I'm wandering-They know, right?  I don't need to tell them, do I?  Should I?  

Being in this situation is one of the harder things for me to have to deal with.  Do I need to explain my kid to others?  I don't explain my other kids.  You'll never hear me say, "Gavin..... Ya, he looks the way he does because he has blue eyes and super long eyelashes."

It's difficult.  But unless I break the barrier, I always wonder.  They know, right?  I don't need to tell them, do I?  Should I?  The other person will usually never say anything.  But I don't like labeling my son.  "Hi, this is Finn.  And he has Down syndrome."  Down Syndrome doesn't define who Finn is.  And it shouldn't. 

Well, I didn't say anything last night to the people I was with.  And they didn't ask or question.  Whether they knew or not, I don't know.  But I am glad that I didn't say anything.  I shouldn't have to.  It was nice.  I did wonder what they were thinking though.

BUT

I like to think that maybe they were looking past his disability and seeing Finn for who he was.  Or maybe they kept looking at him and talking to him to figure out just what it was that was wrong with him. 

I've decided that I'm not going to explain Finn to people upon meeting him for the first time.  If they want to know, they're going to have to ask.  Finn is not Down syndrome.  He is a little boy who has brown eyes that smile back at you when he smiles.  He has dark brown hair that sticks straight up in mohawk form and won't go down.  He is a very happy baby and always has a smile to offer.  He is a little boy who will talk (coo) your ear off if you'll give him the time.  He hardly ever cries and is patient.  He has a calm demeanor.  He has a spirit about him that is sweet and delicate.  He is a precious boy, and my son.

{Looney}

31 for 21 blog challenge day 21

 

Whenever the boys want to chill with Finn, they always put on Looney Tunes cartoons on the laptop.  And they all just sit and watch it.  Even Finn.  It's his favorite show. 

 

{DS Tidbit}

31 for 21 blog challenge day 18

• The incidence of births of children with Down syndrome increases with the age of the mother. But due to higher fertility rates in younger women, 80% of children with Down syndrome are born to women under 35 years of age.

I found this statistic to be interesting.  I always thought that if you were older your chances of having a child with Down syndrome were significantly high.  But such is not the case.  I find it interesting because a lot of young mothers are having children with Down syndrome.  Which makes this statistic seem likely.  Because so many young mom's are having children at a young age,  the percentage of is higher because there are more young mom's having babies than older women.  By the time some women decide to have kids, they are 40 and they only have one child.  Many young women decide to start having kids in their 20's and by the time they are 35 they could easily be on their 5th plus kid, putting them at a higher risk. 

• People with Down syndrome have an increased risk for certain medical conditions such as congenital heart defects, respiratory and hearing problems, Alzheimer's disease, childhood leukemia, and thyroid conditions. Many of these conditions are now treatable, so most people with Down syndrome lead healthy lives.

Finn has been blessed, and for the most part is healthy.  We are so blessed to live in a time and in a place where medical technology is available to us.  I had a lady visit the other day.  She saw that Finn was on oxygen, and I mentioned to her that it's kind of a pain.  And she simply said, "Yes, it is a pain, BUT how lucky you/we are to be able to put our kids on oxygen."  She proceeded to tell me that her Doctor had returned from a trip to Haiti? and how sad it was that some of the babies just needed to be put on oxygen, but it wasn't available to them.  Many of them didn't make it through the nights.  I am lucky.  And very grateful that Finn is able to get the treatments he needs.

• Life expectancy for people with Down syndrome has increased dramatically in recent decades - from 25 in 1983 to 60 today.

We live in a great day and age.  I couldn't ask for more but more time.  And if Finn is as sweet at the age of 60 as he is now, I'll keep him as long as I can.

{DS Tidbit}

31 for 21 blog challenge day 14

• Down syndrome is one of the leading clinical causes of cognitive delay in the world – it is not related to race, nationality, religion or socio-economic status.
 
 
• The incidence of Down syndrome in the United States is estimated to be 1 in every 700 live births.

• Of all children born in this country annually, approximately 5,000 will have Down syndrome.

• There are approximately 1/4 million families in the United States affected by Down syndrome.

• 80-95% of pregnancies with a prenatal diagnosis of Down syndrome are terminated (a meta-analysis concludes that 92% worldwide are terminated).

This last statistic blows me away.  It makes me sad.  Having a child with Down syndrome (or special needs for that matter) is not the end of the world.  If people weren't so selfish or prideful, had confidence or faith, weren't ignorant but were willing to learn, love, and expand their horizons, they would see that having a child with Down syndrome opens up a whole new world that they would have not have otherwise been capable of understanding.  It brings out emotions that you didn't even know you had.  It makes you appreciate and love life more fully.  It makes you understand that people with Down syndrome (and any child with special needs) are just people too.  Their handicap can be your greatest blessing.  Although it may be inconvenient, and it sucks that your kid isn't like your perfect neighbor's kid, and it may be hard and sad; the advantages that you will have over others (your neighbor with the perfect kid) with your ability to see people for who they are, your increased empathy, the thick skin you will grow due to other people's insensitivity, and an appreciation for the hard things that parents do and go through will be invaluable and will give you a leg up and will propel you forward one more step on the game board of life.  No, it's not easy; but it is worth it.

{The End of The Story}

31 for 21 blog challenge day 12

The bond wasn't immediate.  In fact it didn't really happen until 11 days later when we brought him home from the hospital. 

Upon seeing him, he looked a lot better than I when I first saw him when he was born.  He wasn't all red and swollen.  And his eyelid seemed to be just fine.  He looked A LOT better.  It got a little easier each time we visited him. 



Our first visit to the NICU.

We forgot the camera in our room and I told Kurt that we needed to document our first visit, so he went back to the room to get it.  It took him a while to return.  I asked him what took so long.  He said that when he got to the room the Bishop was there.  They had a nice visit.  Had we not forgotten the camera we would have missed him.  Kurt needed that visit.

Sometimes sadness would hit when I would hold him.  I wasn't sure if I was sad for him or sad for us.  It was confusing trying to sort out how I was feeling.  I do know that the way I was feeling was normal.  But it was confusing because you feel one way, but yet you know you shouldn't, but yet it really is ok to feel that way.  Confusing.

The kids weren't allowed to visit the baby while in the NICU.  One day they came up to see me.  I asked the nurse if there was anyway she could bring him to the glass doors.  Because he was oxygen, it made it hard.  BUT she went and got a portable tank, set it up, and brought him to the glass doors so the boys could see their new baby brother. 

The boys loved it.  I was so glad that they were able to see him.  We laughed because we all thought he looked like a little sumo wrestler.  The boys thought that was funny. 

Our little guy would spend a total of 11 days in the NICU due to low saturation levels in his oxygen. 

I eventually left the hospital and went home to my normal routine.  It was bizarre.  It was like I gave birth.  And that was it.  I had no product of my hard work.  Nothing changed when I came home.  I weeded in my flower bed.  I drove kids places, I went grocery shopping.  I carried on like it was nothing. 

But it wasn't nothing.  I had a baby in the hospital.  But yet it felt like I had no baby since I wasn't doing baby things.  I did travel 40 minutes (there and back) to the hospital each day to take milk and see him for an hour or two.  But there was an empty weirdness upon returning home each day babyless. 

Thankfully, 11 days later he was able to come home and join our family.

It made all the difference having him home.  It was real.  He was ours.  And he wasn't going anywhere.  The bonding began immediately.  We were all smitten. 

{DS Tidbit}

31 for 21 blog challenge day 10
What is Down syndrome?

Down syndrome is a chromosomal disorder caused by an error in cell division that results in an extra 21st chromosome.

What causes Down Syndrome?

Down syndrome occurs because of an abnormality characterized by an extra copy of genetic material on all or part of the 21st chromosome. Every cell in the body contains genes that are grouped along chromosomes in the cell's nucleus or center. There are normally 46 chromosomes in each cell, 23 inherited from your mother and 23 from your father. When some or all of a person's cells have an extra full or partial copy of chromosome 21, the result is Down syndrome.

The most common form of Down syndrome is known as Trisomy 21, a condition where individuals have 47 chromosomes in each cell instead of 46. This is caused by an error in cell division called nondisjunction, which leaves a sperm or egg cell with an extra copy of chromosome 21 before or at conception. Trisomy 21 accounts for 95% of Down syndrome cases, with 88% originating from nondisjunction of the mother's egg cell.

The remaining 5% of Down syndrome cases are due to conditions called mosaicism and translocation. Mosaic Down syndrome results when some cells in the body are normal while others have Trisomy 21. Robertsonian translocation occurs when part of chromosome 21 breaks off during cell division and attaches to another chromosome (usually chromosome 14). The presence of this extra part of chromosome 21 causes some Down syndrome characteristics. Although a person with a translocation may appear physically normal, he or she has a greater risk of producing a child with an extra 21st chromosome.

When Finn was born the first thing I questioned, was:  Did he get Down syndrome because of something I did or didn't do?  I immediately thought:  I ate like crap sometimes.  I could have eaten better.  I did too much.  I should have taken it easy.  I skipped on some of my pre-natal pills.  Sometimes I forgot.  I even had the thought that I yelled at my kids alot.  And somehow I blamed myself for the loud environment that I caused and thought it to be symptomatic.  I learned that the answer was no.  There was nothing that Kurt or I did. 

Without doing the test, there is no way to tell that your child has Down syndrome.  Even ultrasounds don't pick up on the extra chromosome.  85% of children born with Down Syndrome are diagnosed after delivery.  This extra chromosome takes it's form at the time of conception.  So before I even knew I was pregnant, Finn's DNA was set up as such that he would have Down syndrome.  There is nothing that I could have done, nor my Dr., to prevent this from happening.  This was just the way that God intended him to be. 

{And the story continues....}

31 for 21 blog challenge day 9

We didn't get much sleep. 

Around eight in the morning Kurt got up and went home to check on the boys who we'd left sleeping just 7 hours earlier. 

We agreed that while he was gone he would call his parents and I would call mine and tell them the news. 

I just laid in bed and stared at the wall. 

I finally got the gusto to call my parents.  My Dad answered the phone.  I told him that we had the baby.  He asked how everything went and if the baby was ok.  It was then that I broke down and told him.  I could tell that both he and my Mom were trying to be strong/keep it together when talking with me.  My Mom was feeling bad that she couldn't be there/come to be with us as they were serving their mission.

(Kurt's parents came to our aid as soon as they heard the news. They were such a great help and blessing as we so needed them at that time. Kurt's Mom stayed for 2 weeks and helped us with the boys, cooking meals, and cleaning. My parent's just couldn't stay away either. They hopped in the car on their P-day and made the 6 hour drive to see their grandson and to make sure we were ok. The next day they hit the road so they could be back in time for their shift at Martin's Cove.  The Ma & Pa's come for a visit.)

Moments later after talking with my parents the geneticist came in.  He was a flamboyant man.  And in his flamboyant voice he said, and I quote:

"Hi, my name is so and so.  Now you've seen your baby, right.  Me:  Yes.  No like you've really seen your baby.  Me:  Yes....???  Like close up.  You've been able to study your baby.  WTH?.....  Me:  Yes, I've seen my baby.  And Yes I know he has Down syndrome if that's what you're getting at.  Ok.  Good.  Because I didn't know if you'd seen him or if you knew he had a syndrome."

Oh.My.Gosh.  Get the frick out was all I could think.

He finally told me that yes, our son had Trisomy 21, but only after I acknowledged it. 

In hindsight-a month or so later, I have come to the conclusion that no one could/would tell us that our son had Down syndrome for legal purposes.  I gathered that his Dr. could be the only one to give the diagnosis.  And since we didn't have a pediatrician, he didn't have a Dr.  and that's why no one would tell us.

A few minutes later after he left, my real Dr. came in.  He pulled up a chair and he said, "I don't know what to say."  He apologized for not being there for the delivery.  We had a really great conversation.  One that I needed.  I appreciated his sincerity and his advice. 

He asked if I would have wished that I'd known the diagnosis before hand.  I did opt out of doing the test that would have given us the results before the delivery.  He mentioned what good would it have done?  I wasn't going to abort it.  I wouldn't have been able to do anything about it.  Why dwell on it for months.  He was right I thought and I agreed. 

In hindsight-I do wish that I would have known.  If I would have known I think I could have prepared myself waaaaay better.  For one the shock factor would have been dramatically less.  Had I known, I could deal months before the baby was born, and would have been able to focus more on our baby for who he was instead of what he had.  I also would have been more emotionally invested in a positive way. 

A few minutes after that a nurse came in and asked if I wanted to go see the baby.  No.  I didn't.

I laid in bed for a little while, and stared into nothing.  I cried some more. 

After a little while I got up and wanted to change and freshen up.  I looked in the mirror.  I looked bad.  I don't know/remember a time where I've cried so much.  My eyes were super swollen and puffy.  There was nothing I could do to make myself look better.  Not even makeup helped.  My eyes were so swollen makeup wasn't even an option to put on. 

Kurt's sisters had come to get the boys and Kurt was able to come back up to the hospital.  After a while we finally decided that we were going to go see our baby.

Kurt pushed me in a wheelchair down the hall to the NICU.  Upon entering you have to scrub in up to your elbows with soap and a scrubber.  Just like the Drs. do before they go into surgery.  The smell of the NICU will forever be stained in my memory.  It's not a smell that I particularly enjoy. 

When we got to our baby's room he was under the lights with his sunglasses on, as he was jaundice.  He was a big boy.  He was the biggest in the NICU.  Although he was 8 lbs plus, they still referred to him as a preemie since he was 2 1/2 weeks early. 

The nurse let us hold him.  He had an iv and wires everywhere.  Emotions were still high.  I held him.  He was extra "floppy" and extra "gushy" as I like to say.  A little different from my other babies.  Although different, he was mine.  He was given to me, and I was to be his Mom.  It would take a little bit of time to get to know this little guy.  One thing that I was really hoping and praying for was that I would feel a bond with him.

{Another Post Without a Title}

31 for 21 blog challenge day 7

We sat in silence and each had our moment.  We didn't speak.  Kurt sat in the chair, and I in the bed.  We sobbed.  Guilt began to set in.  We just had a baby.  People are happy when they have babies.  It's an exciting time.  Getting to see all the characteristics your new baby has inherited from you, feeling their soft newborn skin, putting your finger inside their tiny palm to see if they'll grasp it.  There's cooing and kissing, babytalking and there's a sense of pride and accomplishment.

There was none of that for us.  We were shocked, heartbroken, and detached. 

Why shouldn't we be happy.  We just had a baby.  I gave birth to him.  I know he's mine.  What's to be sad about.  He's a person too. 

Expecting one thing only to get something that was not even on our radar; being caught so off guard, having our world rocked to the core is a feeling that I can not describe in words.  The expectation and image that I had in my mind all those months of another little bald, skinny, white, big toed Hepworth boy joining are family were so off track from my now, reality.  I was grieving the loss of the perfect child I had envisioned all those months. 

The Dr. who delivered our baby returned to our room to inform us that the baby is having difficulty with his oxygen levels and so he will be in the NICU for a few days.   She asked if we had a pediatrician.  We didn't.  We asked if the baby was ok.  She said that my Dr. would be there tomorrow to speak to me as well as a geneticist.  And then she left.

At this point I was really kind of ticked off. Why won't anyone say it? Just say it. Our son has Down syndrome. No one told us he had it, no one said anything. Not even the Dr. who delivered.  Why? If someone could just tell me, I could deal and try to move on.

"The second I saw him, he was sucking on his tongue and I knew. I knew he had Down syndrome." Kurt said. He also said that when the baby was born, he heard the Dr. comment that it looked like our baby had a bit of a syndrome. 

Kurt and I knew he had down syndrome.  I didn't really know what those words entailed.  All I knew is that there was a girl in my church growing up named Vonnie Anderson, who had Down syndrome.  Visions of her popped in my head.  They weren't the best visions.

A nurse came in to move me to the recovery part of the hospital.  It was a little awkward.  We were known as the people with "the baby."  All the nurses knew.  They were extra sensitive and nice.  I really liked the one who moved me to my recovery room.  After she moved me, I was out of her jurisdiction and it was the last I saw of her.  I don't remember her name, but I can totally picture what she looks like. 

A nurse came in and asked if we wanted to go down to the NICU to see our baby.  We both looked at each other and shook our heads.....no. 

We did not want to see our baby.  What a sad thing.  I didn't feel like this baby was mine.  It couldn't be mine.  I honestly felt like I was handed someone else's baby when I held him for the first time.  That sounds so awful.  The feelings and emotions that we were feeling were so overwhelming.  It was just too much to see him at that time. 

The nurses left us alone for the rest of the night. 

Still in shock and still having been crying continuously since I first held our baby; my eyes were puffy, swollen and tender.  The area just under my eyes were sensitive and rubbed raw from continuously wiping tears away.

The sun was just coming up, and we still hadn't gone to sleep for the night yet.  Kurt offered a word of prayer before we would lie down and try to sleep.

"We can do this, right?"  I asked.  "Yes, we can.  We don't really have a choice."  He was right.  We didn't have a choice.

{A Post With No Title}

31 for 21 blog challenge day 4

The immense pain I was feeling was gone.  Just like that.  Night and day feeling.  I felt it leave my body at the exact same time that my baby came into this world.  I had survived!

The Doctor laid the baby on my chest.  Had she been "MY Doctor"  she would have known that I didn't want the baby on me.  They started to clean him off and then I heard Kurt say, "Look at all that hair."  I told the nurses to take him off me.  I didn't even look at him.  I just wanted him off of me.

As they whisked him away to clean him up and weigh him he started crying.  He had a super loud cry.  A cry that didn't sound like any of my other babies.  It was a cute cry.  I looked at Kurt, who was over checking out our new little babe and said, "Oh, that is the cutest little cry ever."  He didn't pay attention to me, as he was still checking out our little guy.

"8 lbs. 13 oz. & 21 inches long.  He's a big boy!" the nurse said.

"Get the camera!  Take some pictures"  I said, and he did. 

Kurt sat back down as the nurses did their thing and checked our baby out.  Me, on the other hand.  I started crying.  Not because they were tears of happiness and joy, but because I just gave birth without a freaking epidural.  It was seriously so intense and so crazy.  It was all I could do, was cry.  I got cold.  I started shaking.  I couldn't stop crying.  I asked the Dr. if it was possible to go into shock after giving birth.  "Yes it is very possible."  I was in shock. 

After about 20 minutes, maybe longer of me crying like a sissy, the Dr.'s patience ran out and she was like, "we still have to deliver the placenta."   "No, I can't.  Just leave me alone."  She replied to the nurses with something like, "She's not going to."  And started to take her gloves off like she was annoyed.  A nurse talked me into it, and I finally delivered the placenta.  The Doctor then told me that I did wonderfully and she left. 

As one nurse was still tending to our baby, two other nurses were cleaning up.  The shock of it all had started to wear off and I had pulled myself together. 

I still hadn't seen the baby yet, and I asked Kurt who he looked like.  "He doesn't look like any of our boys," he said as he sat back down after looking at our son. 

Kurt looked tired, and his eyes red. 

"He's actually really homely looking."  What?  Kurt's not one to think newborn babies are all that cute, neither do I; but I was a little taken back by his sarcasm of our newborn son. 

One of the nurses cleaning up looked at the other nurse and whispered something under her breath.  I couldn't tell what she said, but it was obvious they were talking about Kurt's comment, or so I thought.  I thought his comment may have been offensive to them. 

They finished cleaning up and they left.

The nurse tending to our son asked if I would like to hold him.  "Yes I would!"  She brought him over and handed me my newborn son all swaddled tightly in a blanket.  I looked down at him and he looked right up at me and kept blinking.  As he blinked his right eyelid would flip up and out.  Whoa, I thought.  That is not normal.  I looked over at Kurt.  He had that look on his face where I could tell that he was about to cry. And it wasn't a joyful cry look, but a "I just couldn't tell you" cry look.  I looked back at my son.  His eyelid was freaking me out.  I studied his face, and thought this isn't my son.  He doesn't look anything like my kids.  I knew he was swollen and red from just being born, but something was amiss.  I looked back at Kurt.  He was crying.  I looked back at my son and upon further inspection new that something was not right.  I started to cry.  I looked over at Kurt and said, "Is he a special baby?"  Kurt nodded as tears rolled down his face.  The nurse came to my bedside and sweetly said, "Just love him.  Just love him like you love your other kids."  I just stared at him, and he just kept staring up at me and he kept blinking.  And the tears, they just came.  And they didn't stop. 

The nurse said that she had to take the baby to the NICU, as he may have some complications.  She left.  And Kurt and I were left alone in the room.  I don't even remember what we said to each other.  I know I was feeling shock and disbelief.  I can't speak for Kurt.  The only thing I remember is Kurt saying, "Our lives will never be the same."

{No pain, No gain}

31 for 21 blog challenge day 3.

At 1:00 a.m. we pulled up to the front doors of the hospital.  Kurt left the car running (thinking he'd get me checked in and zip back out to move it) and quickly hopped out and was ready to walk me in (as any good man would do-hurrying to help his lady).  I told him that he can't leave the car running while we went in, and waited for him to park it in the lot. 

We took the elevator to the 2nd floor and found the check-in counter.  All of the nurses were sitting around listening to the the nurse with the long blond hair go on and on about how she was losing her hair and was going bald.  One nurse left the conversation to help me.  The girl just kept talking and talking oblivious to the fact that the other nurses didn't really look like they cared.

The nurse had me sign a bunch of papers and told me that they would call the on-call Dr.  "Yes, tell Dr. Burgett that I am ready to have this baby."  "Oh, he's not the on-call Dr. tonight."  "Yes he is, he told me he was on-call until Sunday."  "Well he is, but he's already been on-call for the last 3 nights and has been up for 4 days straight, so he asked someone to take his shift for tonight."

Great.  I didn't get my Dr. the last time I had a kid either.  What's the point of having a Dr. if they aren't going to be delivering your baby?

They took me to my room and had me get situated. 

 

I had Kurt snap this shot to get one last photo of me being pregnant. 

 

Little did I know that this photo would be the last photo that we took of the normalcy of our lives as we knew it.

 

"Let's do this," I said.                                                                                          

 

I had Kurt set up my tunes.  I was really wishing that we were up to date on our technology and had an ipod of some sort (yes, we are that far behind on the times).  My method of coping with contractions is to mute out the pain with the volume of music.  Headphones are good.  You can turn it up as loud as you want and everyone doesn't have to hear it.  I swear it works.  Or at least helps.  The worse the contraction gets the louder the music goes.  I compare it to getting hurt.  If you hurt your hand and then someone kicks you in the shin, you forget about your hand.  (Well you forget about your hand for little bit.)  Same thing.  The music is so loud that you can't hear your contractions.  And by hear, I mean you are concentrating on your music that is muting out the pain.

 

As the nurses came in they all mentioned how pleasantly surprised they were when the music they were hearing wasn't Enya, piano music, or ocean waves.  Ocean waves!?  How do ocean waves pump you up?  We gots some serious work to do, I'm not trying to goto sleep!  Kid #5 Song List consisted of Pink, Blink 182, The Killers, Snow Patrol, and Metro Station.  Because I only had access to my laptop, it wasn't convenient to have it close and so I couldn't use my headphones.  And therefore had no control over the volume.  Which bugged me and was distracting for me.  But it was ok, because things went pretty quickly. 

 

The nurse checked me and told me that I was dilated to a seven.  She also told me that I needed to decide (quickly) if I wanted an epidural or not.  I went back and forth.  My pain was bearable. I was going to have to pay out of pocket for the epidural.  I've had 2 other kids epidural free (not by choice). 

 

I said, "Let's do it.  No epidural."  My thinking was, if my pain is this manageable and I'm at a 7 (and I go fast), I think I can handle the pain at a 10. 

 

STUPID.  IDIOTIC.  WHAT WAS I THINKING!

 

I progressed quickly to a 10.  It was go time.  Kurt was feeling a little light headed (from not eating) and asked if he could sit.  He sat.  It got INTENSE.  The nurse kept singing along to my songs (which was a little distracting/annoying) as I was trying to birth a my baby. 

 

The pain was crazy!  Like super crazy.  I seriously thought I could handle it since I was doing just fine at a 7......what in THE HELL was I thinking?  Don't do it.  If you are thinking about it.  Don't.  Ok... Do it once, just to say you did; but NEVER do it again. 

 

I'm sure the on-call Dr. thought I was an idiot for not getting the epidural.  I could tell at one point she was getting flustered with me, because I wasn't cooperating with what she was telling me.  It was at that point that I had to talk myself back to reality.  "There is no going back.  You cannot go back and undo this pain.  The only way to get rid of this pain is to go forward.  Go through the pain only to get rid of the pain.  It sucks, but it's the only way out." 

 

And that's what I did-pushed through the pain.  And by 2:14 a.m. I gave birth to a baby boy.....

{Let's start from the very beginning.....}

Which was only 4 short months ago.

31 for 21 blog challenge day 2.

It was a hot summer afternoon in June.  We went to church, came home and ate, did our usual vegging out routine which consists of watching t.v. and napping, and just lazily grazed in the kitchen.

"Come on" Kurt said.  "We're going on a walk.  We gotta get this baby here."

He dragged me (literally) up the hills in my neighborhood.   We went down the street and back up.  Not very far.  But it was far enough for me!  I was hot, tired, exhausted, and out of breath!

Needless to say, baby was not too impressed as there was no sign of wanting to make an entrance into this world yet.

The next day I had a Dr. appointment.  "Good news!  I'm betting that I will be seeing you tonight and delivering a baby."  Serious.  Are you serious?  Saweet!  Two and half weeks early, I'll take it!

I called Kurt and told him the news.  "Perfect.  We can get this little guy here and I can still make it to my conference on Wednesday."  That was what we were hoping for, as Kurt had to attend a conference in Midway.  The  registration alone cost him a pretty penny and we didn't want to lose out on that money as it was to late to get a refund.  The timing couldn't have worked out better.

Well.  Monday night came, and Monday night went.  No baby.  And Tuesday day came and Tuesday Night followed.  Still no baby. 

At this point we were nervous because Kurt's conference was the next day, Wednesday.  And there was no way I was letting him go if this baby hadn't come.  Wednesday morning Kurt called the conference people and gave them some spiel, and was able to get out of the conference AND get this money refunded.  (thank you!)  Now to just get this baby here as Kurt had Wednesday to Sunday where he didn't have to go into work.  Just enough time to have a baby, get home, and get settled before sending him back to work.

I went to Target that afternoon to pick up some last minute baby items.  Upon my arrival I found Kurt sitting in a chair, basking in the sun while reading a book, and watching the littles play in the yard.  He was anxious upon my arrival.  "What if this baby doesn't come while I have this time off of work?  I'm feeling guilty because I took time off of work to goto the conference, but I'm not going, and I could be at work.  And then I may have to take more time off work if the baby doesn't come before Sunday."  (He was planning on taking time off of work, just not this early and so close to already taking time off for the convention.  It kind of messes up the scheduling at work.)  We made the decision to call the doc and see if an induction was an option with this short of notice. 

By the time we made the decision, it was too late and I couldn't get a hold of my doctor.  We decided to call in the morning. 

After dinner we decided to go on a walk.  Kurt was going to walk me to my death trying to get this baby here.  We walked around our neighborhood.  Surprisingly I wasn't tired or having to be pulled up the hills.  I had an abundance of energy.  We decided to keep walking.  We walked up into the neighborhood above us all the way to the end of the road.  We walked for about 2 hours, I'd guess.  And I was still doing fine for the most part.  I wasn't completey exhausted like I was on the last walk we went on.

When we got back, our neighbors were outside so we stopped and chatted with them for a while.  After a while I finally went in.  It was 10:45 p.m.  Kurt stayed outside for a while longer and chatted it up.  Me, I was on the computer googling ways to induce labor.  And man, there is some weird stuff one can do.  I did try one method.  I won't say which.  But I seriously believe that it worked. 

Kurt came in the house around 11:30 and went downstairs and watched t.v. 

I started having contractions, but wasn't sure if it was true labor.  I started timing them.  After about 30 minutes, they seemed to be consistent, but they were a little up and down so I wasn't completely sure, thinking that they may be Braxton Hicks.  At midnight I told Kurt that this may be it, but still wasn't 100% sure.  We decided that we were going to go to the hospital anyway, even if it wasn't true labor hoping that they could tell me how close I was and hoping that they would just keep me there. 

I finished packing up my suitcase, got the kids situated, and we hopped in the car. 

On the way to hospital, the contractions were spot on consistent.  Three minutes apart, each one lasting 30 seconds.  This was it.  I knew it was true blue labor.

It was go time.....

{31 for 21 Blog Challenge}

 

The month of October is Down Syndrome awareness month.  This year marks the 6th annual 31 for 21 blog challenge.  What's the challenge?  Well, let me tell you.

 

Down syndrome is medically known as Trisomy 21. Trisomy 21 is for the 3 copies of the 21st chromosome that individuals with Down syndrome have.

There are 31 days in the month of October.

The blog challenge is to blog for 31 days for Trisomy 21. Blog every day in the month of Oct in honor of National Down Syndrome Awareness Month.

I have accepted this challenge in hopes of spreading the awareness, my thoughts and feelings, and Finn's story amongst my family, friends, lurkers, strangers, and web surfers alike. 

Who am I doing this for?  This little guy.  Finn.