The bond wasn't immediate. In fact it didn't really happen until 11 days later when we brought him home from the hospital.
Upon seeing him, he looked a lot better than I when I first saw him when he was born. He wasn't all red and swollen. And his eyelid seemed to be just fine. He looked A LOT better. It got a little easier each time we visited him.
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| Our first visit to the NICU. |
Sometimes sadness would hit when I would hold him. I wasn't sure if I was sad for him or sad for us. It was confusing trying to sort out how I was feeling. I do know that the way I was feeling was normal. But it was confusing because you feel one way, but yet you know you shouldn't, but yet it really is ok to feel that way. Confusing.
The kids weren't allowed to visit the baby while in the NICU. One day they came up to see me. I asked the nurse if there was anyway she could bring him to the glass doors. Because he was oxygen, it made it hard. BUT she went and got a portable tank, set it up, and brought him to the glass doors so the boys could see their new baby brother.
Our little guy would spend a total of 11 days in the NICU due to low saturation levels in his oxygen.
I eventually left the hospital and went home to my normal routine. It was bizarre. It was like I gave birth. And that was it. I had no product of my hard work. Nothing changed when I came home. I weeded in my flower bed. I drove kids places, I went grocery shopping. I carried on like it was nothing.
But it wasn't nothing. I had a baby in the hospital. But yet it felt like I had no baby since I wasn't doing baby things. I did travel 40 minutes (there and back) to the hospital each day to take milk and see him for an hour or two. But there was an empty weirdness upon returning home each day babyless.
Thankfully, 11 days later he was able to come home and join our family.
It made all the difference having him home. It was real. He was ours. And he wasn't going anywhere. The bonding began immediately. We were all smitten.
3 comments:
That NICU thing is the hardest thing I ever experienced emotionally. Having a baby, and then coming home with no baby. It is so weird. It feels like (and this probably isn't even the case) everyone around you is forgetting one big thing, that you just had a baby. As a mother, having your new baby in your arms or very near is so important emotionally and it seems, hormonally in the sense that it is part of getting yourself "back to normal" after giving birth. It really does play tricks on your mind to come home empty handed. I really had a hard time bonding with Gloria, my 1st even though we brought her home with us from the hospital. It wasn't natural at all for me to bond with a newborn. It was like I didn't know how, I was so worried about myself. Looking back, I feel bad about it but what could I do? I had no experience. With Timmy in the NICU, I bonded immediately and that made it harder to have him there. I love your story about the nurse bringing Finn to the window so the boys could see it and so they could get a kick of seeing a little, chubby newborn. That is such a fun memory.
I remember when the boys came to see Finn they were so excited. Not only that but Finn was excited to see his brothers it was so sweet to see.
Thanks for sharing your story, I know it can be difficult to share but you did an great job. You and Kurt have an amazing family and you know how much I love your boys. I can't wait until Finn can join the sleepover parties.
The pictures of Finn's brothers at the NICU window made me tear up!
Priceless!
And isn't it awesome how the Lord works - we forget something yet are blessed with another surprise!
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