Friday, July 27, 2012

{I'd rather you tell me like it is.......}

"Oooohhhh, My goodness!  He is so ............................ big."

The other day I had my first hurtful, harsh realization of what the future holds.  I no harm was intended.  It was a bit awkward.  I totally get and understand the moment.   But it made my heart hurt. 

Finn was looking a little bit homely and very ds, which is what he has; down syndrome.  An acquaintance who was passing by stopped to see our new son.  "Oh, My goodness"  she said.  "He is (as she's moving in for a closer look ) so ......... (gets down right at his level in his swing and is face to face and pauses for two seconds-two seconds of which I knew she was searching for the right word to say) .......Big!"  I know she was going to say cute.  But when she saw him, she was thrown off.  She did recover nicely and we had a nice visit.

When she left I was stricken with emotion.  Even the nicest of people mean well, but sometimes I'd rather you just tell me like it is.  Tell me what you think I don't want to hear.  Because the things I don't necessarily want to hear are probably the truth.  And I'm okay with the truth.  Unless you're a stranger or some jerk that just blatantly wants to make fun of my kid, I know I can handle the truth more than I can handle the sugarcoated lie.  Although it may feel awkward, your honesty would only make me more at ease and our conversation more comfortable.  I realized that it is acquaintances and friends that I would prefer to tell me how it is, because you are my normal.  And if you can't keep me normal, who can.  I don't expect a stranger to be normal, they can sugarcoat the lie.  It is acknowledging and keeping it real that allows me to be normal.

I'd rather you say, "Oooohhhhh, My goodness!  He is looking very ds today, isn't he; but he is still so cute."  Or just say, "What a sweetheart" or "What a sweet little guy".  Or don't say anything.  A nice warm heart felt smile in his or my direction will do.  It will tell me that you don't know what to say, or that you don't want to say the wrong thing.

As a mother, it is sad to know that because my son looks different he will be judged by others, or others will be made uncomfortable because they don't know what to say or how to act.  He has down syndrome.  He looks different.  He'll act different.  There's no changing that.  It's reality.  It is sad.  But he is mine.  And I love him.


These two pictures were taken a few seconds apart.  It is crazy how in almost every picture I take of Finn he looks so different in each picture.  To me, these two pictures show a very ds looking Finn, and the other shows a very normal looking Finn.  It's crazy how different he can look.
No matter how he looks, to me he will always be cute in own little down syndrome way.  I may be a little biased, but he is the cutest down syndrome boy I've ever seen!

12 comments:

Helelna said...

O my this pulled at my mommy heart strings. I can honestly say my heart hurts for you, because this is your reality, and Finn's for the rest of your lives. But I am so happy and glad to be his Auntie and a part of his life. Ds or no ds I think he's absolutely adorable!! And call me crazy, but I think the fact that he is obviously different is what makes him so loveable and adorable to me. Love you guys!! I think the turquoise is a good color for him.:)

Helelna said...

O my this pulled at my mommy heart strings. I can honestly say my heart hurts for you, because this is your reality, and Finn's for the rest of your lives. But I am so happy and glad to be his Auntie and a part of his life. Ds or no ds I think he's absolutely adorable!! And call me crazy, but I think the fact that he is obviously different is what makes him so loveable and adorable to me. Love you guys!! I think the turquoise is a good color for him.:)

khepworth said...

Love you too, Helena. You were up late..... I think Finn sleeps more than you :)

Carpenter's said...

He is adorable and those dang cheeks I just want to fly down and kiss them! Oh and I LOVE your hair it is soo long!

Meridee said...

Can I just say ditto to what Helena said? Well said Helena:) I STILL can't wait to meet him!

Lauri said...

On a very different level, I completely understand your feelings. It has taken me some time to come to terms with my situation and be comfortable going out in public with mike. But he is still my son and I love him!!!

And I love the pictures of you and little Finn. ADORABLE!

Lauri said...

On a very different level, I completely understand your feelings. It has taken me some time to come to terms with my situation and be comfortable going out in public with mike. But he is still my son and I love him!!!

And I love the pictures of you and little Finn. ADORABLE!

Jon and Melissa said...

You have to realize when people say he is cute, he really is cute. We really mean it. I think DS babies and kids are really just so cute. Jon and I saw the cutest little DS girl the other day at the pool and couldn't help but smile because she was so cute with her family and just so happy. We have been thinking of you guys almost daily and have talked about how blessed Finn is to be in your family and vise versa-you have an above average family:)

Alicia said...

I think Finn is beautiful on a ds looking day and any day! I think FINN is BEAUTIFUL. My brother Josh is severely handicapped, and I understand how it feels to be judged by others who don't know my brother and do not understand, because they are not involved in any significant way in loving him or his care, how much he is loved. It takes practice to do, but eventually, any reaction or comment or advice that is undesirable will fall on deaf ears. I promise it will. It will happen sooner if you want it to. You'll get so close to Finn (not that he will be your favorite child because you'll love all your children the same) but the bond you have with him will be unique because he is unique and no one outside of your closest circle will be able to comment on it because they just don't get it. I wish I could stop by and see Finn and I would hold him and love him and tell him: "You tell everyone who is ANYTHING but loving and kind to you to step off or your buddy Alicia is going to give them an earful." Then we'd knuckle bump. The fact is, whether or not it shows up on our faces in a physical way, we are all a bit mental. And Finn is probably the least so because he is a special son of God, already perfected in Jesus as he did not come to earth for any mortal probation or test for himself, but rather for others to see how they would respond and if they would help him and show kindness and love. Sorry to respond with a novel, but Kanani, I am in awe of you and Kurt, not because Finn was born to your family-I always have been. You are good friends, good examples and great people with amazing senses of humor and fun. I wish we lived closer to you. I would try to help you with your cleaning and such as you have a new baby. I'd take your other kids to the park so you could rest. I have a testimony, growing up along side my brother Josh who is 3 years younger than I am, that these special people are angels on earth and what we gain from having them in our families is far greater and more precious than anything outside people could ever imagine we have lost. I love you Finn! You are one of my heroes. Stay strong, little man!

khepworth said...

Wow. I appreciate your comments. All of you.

Taylor's said...

Tears rolling down my face! For both you and Finn!

I just want to hug you both!

natalie said...

I just ran across your blog, and it's darling! Finn is such a cutie pie! I wonder if you know or read Kelle Hampton's blog. She has a Down syndrome daughter, and the diagnosis was a surprise at her birth. Kelle's blog is AMAZING. Here's a link to Nella's birth story to get you going, in case you want to link up with her. They are a really neat family!
http://www.kellehampton.com/2010/01/nella-cordelia-birth-story.html

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