The immense pain I was feeling was gone. Just like that. Night and day feeling. I felt it leave my body at the exact same time that my baby came into this world. I had survived!
The Doctor laid the baby on my chest. Had she been "MY Doctor" she would have known that I didn't want the baby on me. They started to clean him off and then I heard Kurt say, "Look at all that hair." I told the nurses to take him off me. I didn't even look at him. I just wanted him off of me.
As they whisked him away to clean him up and weigh him he started crying. He had a super loud cry. A cry that didn't sound like any of my other babies. It was a cute cry. I looked at Kurt, who was over checking out our new little babe and said, "Oh, that is the cutest little cry ever." He didn't pay attention to me, as he was still checking out our little guy.
"8 lbs. 13 oz. & 21 inches long. He's a big boy!" the nurse said.
"Get the camera! Take some pictures" I said, and he did.
Kurt sat back down as the nurses did their thing and checked our baby out. Me, on the other hand. I started crying. Not because they were tears of happiness and joy, but because I just gave birth without a freaking epidural. It was seriously so intense and so crazy. It was all I could do, was cry. I got cold. I started shaking. I couldn't stop crying. I asked the Dr. if it was possible to go into shock after giving birth. "Yes it is very possible." I was in shock.
After about 20 minutes, maybe longer of me crying like a sissy, the Dr.'s patience ran out and she was like, "we still have to deliver the placenta." "No, I can't. Just leave me alone." She replied to the nurses with something like, "She's not going to." And started to take her gloves off like she was annoyed. A nurse talked me into it, and I finally delivered the placenta. The Doctor then told me that I did wonderfully and she left.
As one nurse was still tending to our baby, two other nurses were cleaning up. The shock of it all had started to wear off and I had pulled myself together.
I still hadn't seen the baby yet, and I asked Kurt who he looked like. "He doesn't look like any of our boys," he said as he sat back down after looking at our son.
Kurt looked tired, and his eyes red.
"He's actually really homely looking." What? Kurt's not one to think newborn babies are all that cute, neither do I; but I was a little taken back by his sarcasm of our newborn son.
One of the nurses cleaning up looked at the other nurse and whispered something under her breath. I couldn't tell what she said, but it was obvious they were talking about Kurt's comment, or so I thought. I thought his comment may have been offensive to them.
They finished cleaning up and they left.
The nurse tending to our son asked if I would like to hold him. "Yes I would!" She brought him over and handed me my newborn son all swaddled tightly in a blanket. I looked down at him and he looked right up at me and kept blinking. As he blinked his right eyelid would flip up and out. Whoa, I thought. That is not normal. I looked over at Kurt. He had that look on his face where I could tell that he was about to cry. And it wasn't a joyful cry look, but a "I just couldn't tell you" cry look. I looked back at my son. His eyelid was freaking me out. I studied his face, and thought this isn't my son. He doesn't look anything like my kids. I knew he was swollen and red from just being born, but something was amiss. I looked back at Kurt. He was crying. I looked back at my son and upon further inspection new that something was not right. I started to cry. I looked over at Kurt and said, "Is he a special baby?" Kurt nodded as tears rolled down his face. The nurse came to my bedside and sweetly said, "Just love him. Just love him like you love your other kids." I just stared at him, and he just kept staring up at me and he kept blinking. And the tears, they just came. And they didn't stop.
The nurse said that she had to take the baby to the NICU, as he may have some complications. She left. And Kurt and I were left alone in the room. I don't even remember what we said to each other. I know I was feeling shock and disbelief. I can't speak for Kurt. The only thing I remember is Kurt saying, "Our lives will never be the same."
5 comments:
I hope you don't mind my commenting. Maybe I shouldn't comment so much. I love reading what you write. Your thoughts are so beautiful and your experiences are extraordinary. You know that we are big fans of your family. Brandon always cites Kurt as one of his best examples and someone he really admires, to go through school having kids and all the challenges. Brandon went through school unmarried. He says it's amazing what you guys accomplished. I am sorry you went through such pain at your delivery and then went into shock. My body went into shock after my first and I did have an epidural, but I know that feeling of getting ghostly white, almost fainting and shaking and feeling so cold. I know how you feel about looking at your baby and thinking "this isn't my baby." That happened to us with our 2nd, Timothy. I looked back at our blog post, and it is funny, I glossed over all my thoughts and wrote it up in such a positive way, but I was absolutely terrified when I wrote this: http://bubsyandroo.blogspot.com/2011/06/timothy-brandon-walters.html. I do this not to compare stories because we each have such a unique life story but I can relate to the fear that hits you. You just gave birth and you are not even barely recovered and then you get the blow to the heart that something is wrong with your baby's health. Nothing is scarier.
Kanani, these posts are amazing. As I read this last one my heart was racing for you, even though I know the basics of your story. I just wanted you to know your honesty and humor and truth are so real in your writing, and I appreciate it so much. My heart is hurting for you reading about that first time you held Finn...it just seems like an impossibly hard situation after your natural labor and delivery, and the expectations you had coming into it.
I am eager to read your next posts. And thank you so much for sharing--I'm sure it can't be easy.
Kanani - the way you write is priceless and will be come a treasure to last a life time. I love how you write exactly the way you and Kurt act (or the way I know you and Kurt) - one of the many things I LOVE about your blog!
Tears were rolling out of my eyes when reading the last 3 posts.
I will say, your last nurses hit the nail on the head, "Love him like you love your other children." Not that you would ever not but at that moment it was priceless!
And seriously, I have NEVER seen Kurt cry unless it was something that was going to tear you up in side. I love his sensitive side (can I call it that).
I will say, Finn could not have been blessed with a more perfect family! How blessed are you to be his Mother and Kurt his father! What a joy!
I really can't wait to see the next post and I can't wait to see what kind of doors Finn opens!
You are amazing!
Tears...and tissues...and more tears. You are such a beautiful writer. Thank you for sharing these posts. Your honesty sprinkled with humor is so, well, you!
p.s. Au naturale...lady, you are WONDER WOMAN!
Oh Kanani how I miss you! You are such a strong, amazing mother! It is crazy to have something like this happen and have your innocence CRUSHED! I get it, sort of :) Miss you ALL! Love ya!
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