{Insured Blessings}

Three years ago we were without health insurance.  SCARY.  We couldn't afford it.  Luckily we were blessed and were a pretty healthy family.  We only had a handful incidences that took us to the Instacare.  No hospital visits.

Last Christmas my brother Justin's little boy got bacterial meningitis, and was in and out of the hospital.  Their hospital bills- atrocious.  While talking to my brother on the phone, he said, "I don't care what you do, or how much it costs; but you need to get some sort of insurance."  Had they not had insurance, the road ahead of them would have been a VERY long and rough one. 

Months went by.  I kept having this nagging feeling that we needed to get insurance.  I kept crunching the numbers and just couldn't see how it was going to work.  Insurance for a low deductible $500 even $1000-$1500 for a family of six was anywhere from $800-$1000 bucks a month.  (Remember we're self employed.)  We didn't get it.  It was too much. 

When we decided that we were going to have a baby, I told Kurt that there was no way that we were getting pregnant without insurance.  Months went by and we were still without insurance.  I kept having this feeling that we needed to get it and stop putting it off.

So we finally did.  We got what we call catastrophic insurance.  Basically a higher than flip deductible to get the premium down to where we could afford it.  But if anything catastrophic happened, we'd at least have something.   AND our catastrophic insurance didn't cover any maternity or pre-natal visits.  We were on our own to cover the cost of  baby.

Well, baby came and along with him came an extremely high hospital bill.  Catastrophic?  No.  But catastrophic enough to meet our flippin high deductible, Yes. 

How grateful we are that we got that insurance.  Our road would have definitely been long and rough.

 

****

When asked what hospital I wanted to deliver at, my first choice was shot down as I was told that that hospital wasn't in my insurance network and that if i wanted to deliver there then I would have to pay more out of pocket.  (Of course-stupid insurance with the flippin high deductible.  Why would I think that I could pick where I wanted to deliver.  Silly me.)   I reluctantly went with the other hospital that was in my network. 

Lo and behold they were the only hospital in my area that had a NICU on site.  (I just figured that all hospitals had a NICU-nope.)  And when Finn was born, we needed that NICU.

 

****

 

Since Finn has been born, he has been seen by several different doctors countless numbers of time in the four short months that he's been on this earth.  And he will continue to have countless numbers of doctor visits.  Because we met our deductible all of his visits have been covered thus far, and will continue to be covered until the new year.  How grateful I am that we got that insurance.  There is no way-NO WAY we would have been able to do what we've done this far without that insurance.  It is sad to think that if we didn't have insurance, we very well could have been facing choices as to what problems we could afford to address with Finn and what problems we would have had to let go unattended due to financial difficulties.  

 

I give credit to my brother, who inspired or not,  put the bug in our ear to get insurance as we were just planning on paying out of pocket for Finn's birth (not expecting any complications).  I also give credit to the Man upstairs who knows and knew what we needed.  That flippin high catastrophic insurance-a flippin' life saver!  

{To Tell or Not to Tell}

31 for 21 blog challenge day 24

Well, I did it.

If it's strangers, I could care less. I feel no need to explain anything. If it's someone I know, they already most likely know and are comfortable to ask me questions. If it's someone whom I see regularly, but don't associate with on a regular basis; that's where I just don't know.

I had to take Finn with me to my nutrition class last night.  It was the first time not being able to avoid people that didn't know my situation.  I was in a position where avoiding the facts was inevitable.  The first thing they said when I walked through the door was, "You have a baby!  Let's see your baby." 

"Oh he's cute."  "Look at that hair."  All were very sweet and nice. They talked to him throughout the night.  And Finn was very polite and smiled back at them.  One of them asked about his oxygen band aids, but that was it.  It was easy.  And it was nice. 

But all the while in my head I'm wandering-They know, right?  I don't need to tell them, do I?  Should I?  

Being in this situation is one of the harder things for me to have to deal with.  Do I need to explain my kid to others?  I don't explain my other kids.  You'll never hear me say, "Gavin..... Ya, he looks the way he does because he has blue eyes and super long eyelashes."

It's difficult.  But unless I break the barrier, I always wonder.  They know, right?  I don't need to tell them, do I?  Should I?  The other person will usually never say anything.  But I don't like labeling my son.  "Hi, this is Finn.  And he has Down syndrome."  Down Syndrome doesn't define who Finn is.  And it shouldn't. 

Well, I didn't say anything last night to the people I was with.  And they didn't ask or question.  Whether they knew or not, I don't know.  But I am glad that I didn't say anything.  I shouldn't have to.  It was nice.  I did wonder what they were thinking though.

BUT

I like to think that maybe they were looking past his disability and seeing Finn for who he was.  Or maybe they kept looking at him and talking to him to figure out just what it was that was wrong with him. 

I've decided that I'm not going to explain Finn to people upon meeting him for the first time.  If they want to know, they're going to have to ask.  Finn is not Down syndrome.  He is a little boy who has brown eyes that smile back at you when he smiles.  He has dark brown hair that sticks straight up in mohawk form and won't go down.  He is a very happy baby and always has a smile to offer.  He is a little boy who will talk (coo) your ear off if you'll give him the time.  He hardly ever cries and is patient.  He has a calm demeanor.  He has a spirit about him that is sweet and delicate.  He is a precious boy, and my son.

{Patience.......A milestone}

 

 

 

I knew this day would come. Reality. It has come. It came the other night, but hit hard the next morning.

 

I've been noticing that Finn's core strength is not strong and that his head control is not that of a typical child.  Seeing other babies his age holding their heads up is what did me in.  The first milestone that he should be hitting, he's not.  I didn't think it would be a big deal or effect me like it is.  But it is. 

 

I guess the Natural Man, or my pride, is getting to me; making me sad.  Sad for me or sad for him?  I thought it was for him.  But after much thought I guess it's more sad for me.  As a mother, you want the best for your child, and knowing that he is/will be delayed is a hard pill to swallow.  I had my moment.  Albeit lasted all day and all night.  The waterworks were turned on and they just kept running.  After seeking words of encouragement from other mothers who have been down this road, I have come to the conclusion that one of the many reasons Finn was sent to our family- to Me, is so that I can 1. Learn patience  and 2.  Slow down and enjoy the little things.

   

I've told Kurt that I ran out of patience about 3 kids ago.  My patience level is about non existent.  Because I will have no choice, patience is something that I will have to reinstate as Finn develops.  A characteristic that will be good for my being.  As Finn does hit those milestones, because it will take him that much longer to do, it will be those little things that he does that will bring us joy.   It will be important that I learn to appreciate the things that he can do and not dwell on the things that he can't do.  He is his own person, and I owe it to him to celebrate him and his milestones; not the milestones of others.

 

While it is hard, I KNOW that in time, Finn's time, he will hold his head up. And that is nothing to be sad about. 

{I'd rather you tell me like it is.......}

"Oooohhhh, My goodness!  He is so ............................ big."

The other day I had my first hurtful, harsh realization of what the future holds.  I no harm was intended.  It was a bit awkward.  I totally get and understand the moment.   But it made my heart hurt. 

Finn was looking a little bit homely and very ds, which is what he has; down syndrome.  An acquaintance who was passing by stopped to see our new son.  "Oh, My goodness"  she said.  "He is (as she's moving in for a closer look ) so ......... (gets down right at his level in his swing and is face to face and pauses for two seconds-two seconds of which I knew she was searching for the right word to say) .......Big!"  I know she was going to say cute.  But when she saw him, she was thrown off.  She did recover nicely and we had a nice visit.

When she left I was stricken with emotion.  Even the nicest of people mean well, but sometimes I'd rather you just tell me like it is.  Tell me what you think I don't want to hear.  Because the things I don't necessarily want to hear are probably the truth.  And I'm okay with the truth.  Unless you're a stranger or some jerk that just blatantly wants to make fun of my kid, I know I can handle the truth more than I can handle the sugarcoated lie.  Although it may feel awkward, your honesty would only make me more at ease and our conversation more comfortable.  I realized that it is acquaintances and friends that I would prefer to tell me how it is, because you are my normal.  And if you can't keep me normal, who can.  I don't expect a stranger to be normal, they can sugarcoat the lie.  It is acknowledging and keeping it real that allows me to be normal.

I'd rather you say, "Oooohhhhh, My goodness!  He is looking very ds today, isn't he; but he is still so cute."  Or just say, "What a sweetheart" or "What a sweet little guy".  Or don't say anything.  A nice warm heart felt smile in his or my direction will do.  It will tell me that you don't know what to say, or that you don't want to say the wrong thing.

As a mother, it is sad to know that because my son looks different he will be judged by others, or others will be made uncomfortable because they don't know what to say or how to act.  He has down syndrome.  He looks different.  He'll act different.  There's no changing that.  It's reality.  It is sad.  But he is mine.  And I love him.

These two pictures were taken a few seconds apart.  It is crazy how in almost every picture I take of Finn he looks so different in each picture.  To me, these two pictures show a very ds looking Finn, and the other shows a very normal looking Finn.  It's crazy how different he can look.

No matter how he looks, to me he will always be cute in own little down syndrome way.  I may be a little biased, but he is the cutest down syndrome boy I've ever seen!

{Ignorance is Bliss}

It has been 3 weeks now since Finn has been home from the hospital.  Having him home has finally made us feel "normal".  Having a baby and then having to leave him in the hospital while you go home is definitely a weird feeling.  Now that he is home we are all falling more and more in love with him each day.

So far he has been a really good baby.  Like really good.  He never cries, and all he does is eat, sleep, and urinate.  (He doesn't drop stinky surprises with each diaper change.  Nope he is gracious enough to do it only one time every other day.)   He does everything you'd think a perfect baby would/should do.  (Yes, he even sleeps through the night at 4 weeks old!)  Sometimes when I look at him he looks perfect.  Like you would never know that he has Ds.  Then the majority of the time when you look at him you know that he has Ds.  Because Finn has Ds, my hopes, dreams, and expectations for him haven't changed.  They are still the same as they were before he was born, if not doubly intense.

Because he is such a good baby and doing everything that a baby should do, I fully expect him to sit up, crawl,walk, and live a normal life just as my other children have done without any problems or delays.  Although Ds has its challenges and limitations-most of which I don't even know about-that's how ignorant I am; in my mind at this time I am in a state of denial, as I am sure Finn will do all of these things, No Problem.  How can he not, right? 

I know I need to start reading up on Ds and I know I need to start calling therapists and specialists, but right now my baby is perfect.  Doing everything that he should be doing.  I know that once I make those calls and read those books, my state of denial will become a reality.  A lifelong reality. 

IGNORANCE IS BLISS

I think I'll enjoy it a little bit longer.....