Hepworth, Party of Seven...

Is there a snail heaven?
I have recently learned the art form of turning a slimy snail into a thick green mucousy snot-like substance. I had no idea that some people find this to be adventuresome, interesting, and fun. I have to say that it is adventuresome, but it runs a close first with cleaning up vomit from a kid who does not belong to you, or changing the same kid's rank diaper that involves lots of corn. Are you getting the picture? I find it to be gross!

So, I have a friend who goes out on a nightly prowl around midnight or later and actually hunts snails. The snail is the enemy. They eat the garden and flowers and there are tons of them! In an effort to save her produce and lovely flowers, it is necessary to eliminate as many slugs and snails as possible.

There is a process to this whole snail thing.

First: Get a headlamp or some other form of light and a bucket to put the slimy things in. Oh, and a stick to shove the escapee's back into the bucket.

Second: You have to be willing to move back bushes, and flowers, and weeds in order to find the snails. I am one who tends to not want to know what creatures come out at night and prefer not to be surprised.

Third: Once you find the snail, pick it up and put it in the bucket.

Fourth: Once you have collected all the snails you want, go get your salt.

Fifth: Begin dumping salt on the helpless little guys and watch them quickly sizzle and shrivel to their death. Apparently there is some sort of chemical reaction when the salt hits them. And this is when they turn into a thick green mucousy snot-like substance.

Sixth: Dispose of the thick snotty remains, and do it again tomorrow night!

Now, I want you to know that I am an animal lover and so is my friend. But appearantly this is something that must be done or they just seem to multiply and then you really have a problem. I do feel bad for the little guys, but I am glad to know that the next time I sit on her lawn or walk on her walkway, her turf will be snail proof thanks to her bizarre infactuation with hunting snails at 1 in the morning.